A friend of mine sent me a 4 minute long voice message to me and it took me a few days to even listen because I felt like I wasn't in a mental or emotional place to be able to listen and "be there for someone". 

When I finally did pause the background noise and put down the chores I've been putting off... I still didn't feel ready to be able to listen and "be there for someone", but... A friend of mine reached out. And ready or not... I wanted to at least try. Because reaching out is hard and being reached out to is such a gift. And I didn't want them to feel like I wasn't there for them because if they called and said... "Hey. Are you there?" No matter what I'm going through... I'm going to do my damn hardest to say "Yes, I'm here".

And as soon as I started listening to my friend's 4 minute recap of their life and their feelings and thoughts as of late... I didn't necessarily feel like I could "be there for them", but suddenly... I felt like I was "there with them".

And I started recording my own voice message response because I wanted them to know that I listened and that I was there for them... And I immediately started crying and trying to find the right words to say to help or to sympathize or something... 

But I was right about my initial feeling of not being able to "be there for someone". 

I'm going through a lot right now and that's okay. I don't always have to be there for other people. I will try my damned hardest to be there ready or not if someone calls... But for now, I gotta be there for me. I gotta be here for me. 

But I also don't have to be alone. Loneliness is a whole nother thing, but being alone... that is something I know I can help people with. 

Because I don't have to do anything "for" anyone, all I have to do is anything, or nothing, "with" someone. 

That's something my Cat Athena taught me. Her and I did a lot of nothing together. But she was there. And that meant everything. 

So to my friends and fellow good human (and feline, and canine, ect...) beings out there. I will always try nearly as hard as I can to be there for others that may need help. But I know I may not be able to do much for anyone sometimes. And that's okay. 

But one thing I'm certain I can always be, is there with someone. 

Because it took me a bit to realize, and it took my friend reaching out and me listening, (ready to listen or not). But... I now feel like my friend is right here with me. I could scream or I could be silent. But someone will hear it as long as I feel like they're with me. And as long as I reach out. 

Because reaching out is the first step to having someone there with you. 

And you just responding is letting them know you're there with them. 

So thanks for reaching out. I'm with ya. 

T.C. ~Enjoy 

I went to an INCREDIBLE wedding this past weekend out of state. I got to the area early and took every opportunity I could to spend time with the bride and groom who I hadn't seen in 2 years at that point. 2 days before the wedding... between helping the bride fold laundry for the honeymoon and just cherishing being in the presence of a good friend, I was asked to read the vows and make sure one person's vows weren't longer than the others and I took my responsibility very seriously. 

So, after reading the first line of the bride's vows and immediately getting misty eyed, I took a breath... *deep breath*.... and told myself this... "You need to read these vows and review them as a scholar. As and academic. Read these words with your head, not your heart." 

So, I decided I would read them both back-to-back and ball my eyes out the entire time and then later go back and fulfil my responsibility as "Vow reviewer". 

I then proceeded to cry from the first line of her vows to the last line of his and Oh my gosh... I was not ready to cry that day. But at least that means I wouldn't cry at the ceremony, because I already knew what they were going to say, right? (*shakes head*)

But it got me thinking about Vows and how much I love, and cry, when I hear vows. 

I'll be honest and say... I don't like it when people make me promises. It's ironic as a writer how strongly I feel about the sentiment that "words are cheap". But I feel like Promises don't need to be made if a person genuinely intends to do whatever it is they are promising. They don't have to say anything... they will just do it. And if they don't do it, then... there ya go. I can appreciate it, but a promise to me is just hopeful words of something that hasn't happened until it either does or doesn't. But.... I LOVE VOWS!!!!!!

I genuinely believe that if I don't cry during the vows at a wedding, it's not going to work out. I've cried at nearly every vow exchange (as an adult) I've been to, except for my own vows and... well... that didn't work out, so my belief still stands. And Vows fundamentally are promises two people make to each other about the rest of their lives. "To have and to hold... in sickness and in health". And, weddings aside, I typically roll my eyes at most mushy stuff because I'm a damaged, jaded, realists who's just seen and felt too much and has my walls up super high. But! I will probably always love wedding vows. And after reading the vows of my friends and hearing them 2 days later (and absolutely crying all over again), I think I might have figure out why I love vows so much. 

Vows aren't just promises, they are stories. Stories about where the love began, where the love is, and where it will go. And it is just... one of the most powerful and impactful stories that some people may never actually put into words their entire life, but if you're going to tell that story once in your life... it BETTER be on your wedding day, looking at the person you love, have loved, and will love. The person that is the story.

Goodness marriage is such a promise, but it's also a story. A story who's promises stem from deep rooted sentiments of first dates, first kisses, first moments of realizing you've met someone you are willing to make a promise with. To live a story with. And it's exciting, but it's also scary. Which is where I feel like the tears come from. It is an incredible vulnerability for someone to vow one's life and love to someone else. I am so scared of being that vulnerable myself, so whenever I see it, I am moved and inspired and just happy at the bravery that only love can instill and that only vows can express. 

That's what makes them more than promises. That's what makes them Vows. <333

Take care, y'all. ~Enjoy

I cried 3 times now since the last time I wrote about it here on my blog. 2 of those 3 times was for the ame reason and about the same person. And that reason was being so thankful to have someone in my life as a friend and so scared to feel like I may have lost them. 

The good news is, I did not lose my friendship with my friend. And I am so grateful I didn't. Because I would have lost a bit of myself if I lost them. I almost kind of made that happen to myself and thankfully, I remembered who I was. I'm a lot of things and those of you who know me know how much I love a good deep and profound metaphor. And one thing I love to consider myself is "a library". A collection of stories and information put together form all of the influences and experiences I've encountered throughout my life.  And I got A LOT of stories. But along with each story that I have and hold dear to my heart, I have friends that aren't just parts in my stories, or props to a character I play. My friends are the reasons why I choose to live the most incredible stories. 

I recently began consciously asking myself, "what is it all for?", "Why am I doing any of this?", "What is it all about?". And for me personally, my mind and heart and motivations for getting up every day is to connect. That's what friendships are. That's what stories are. That's what life is. Connection. 

And sure, I can spend my whole life writing down stories to connect myself to the future so others after me can read my words. Or I could spend my whole life reading the stories of the past and connect to those who have lived before me. But... What's the point of it all if we don't connect with not just through reading or writing stories but living them. Being a part of them. Joining stories with other people and their stories and getting to know who they are. What their story is.

Right. This is a post about what I cried about. 

I cried earlier this past month because of how powerful and intense I felt loved and understood and connected with someone. And more than a month later after I felt so connected and loved and understood by my friend, I cried again because for just a short second, I thought I had lost them. Their love, their understanding, and their connection. And I felt like I had been the one that didn't share that love, understanding, and connection and well... I still feel like I didn't, but That's okay because I have the most incredible friend who loves, understands and cherishes me and our friendship as much as I do. And that's so so scary, but also, so so wonderful to have a connection so strong that I fear losing that connection. And I am just so so grateful that I did not lose that connection. That I didn't lose that friend. And that I didn't lose myself. Because losing a friend is losing a part of yourself. And sometimes it happens. But the same also goes in reverse. Losing yourself can also mean that you may lose a friend and again, it happens. But I'm just grateful that, at least this time, that's not how this story ends.