Money and things come and go, but the most valuable things in my life have always been experiences and lessons and they really only cost time and energy.
I spent most of my life as a self-described "child of neglect". My folks tried and they are really doing their best to make up for it now, but no one, but yourself gets to say how you felt, and as a child, I felt alone. I didn't feel I could talk to my parents about life and that's neither a bad thing or a good thing, it's just how I felt. (Seriously... I've processed it, I'm good, I'm not sharing to ask for sympathy or even saying it's a fact, it's just how I felt and I'm just sharing my story.) Because I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone in my household, I talked to myself. We all do in some capacity, but I really, REALLY, leaned into the "talk to myself" concept.
(I'll skip through all of those early conversations I had with myself because it'll be in the "Have I told you this story yet?" section of my blog. But one helpful fact for this next part is that I referred, and still refer, to myself as "we" and not "I". Again... I'll explain it in the "Have I told you this story yet?" section.)
However, I feel like having conversations with yourself is a solid way to work towards "self love". And when I say "have conversations with yourself", I genuinely mean, talk to yourself as if you're talking to a friend. "How are you doing?", "What's on your mind?", "Are you okay?". I find that having these conversations out loud or writing them down, just getting them to become more than just "thoughts" really helps me actually think about what I'm asking, how I'm feeling, what I'm doing. When I was learning the difference between right and wrong, I would quite literally ask myself, out loud, before I made decisions, "What are we (am I) going to do?". And after decisions where made and I had time to reflect and process my feelings after the fact, I would talk to myself again, "So why did we make that choice and how are we feeling about it?".
I wanna pause real quick here and say that some may see this as "being your own therapist" or simply "being crazy", but I'm not here to suggest of imply any one way to go about mental health or life advice. Again... I'm just sharing my story.
But the more I talked to myself as a child, the more I learned to be able to self-reflect and think critically as well as sympathetically of myself. Like most people, I "beat myself up" and got down on myself. I still do and I figure that's just being human, but what I learned to do was "self soothe". When I was crying, I could tell myself, "It's okay. Let it out. You're gunna be okay." I've heard that from so many people in my life. Some I believed and some I didn't, but truly the most influential voice that determined what I believed and how I felt, was my own. I feel like that's most of us. The whole world could tell us we're "great" or "dumb" or whatever... but the last opinion that determines what we believe or not, is our own opinion.
And whether I was telling myself a truth or a lie, what I learned to do through all of this is to "trust" myself, "understand" myself, and "communicate" with myself.
And I didn't realize it until much later, but trust, understanding, and communication are the foundations of "love". At least for me. I share those things with my closest of friends, my boyfriend (and whatever other labels we choose to become. c; No pressure Hun.) But most importantly... myself.
I once had a friend ask me "How do you love yourself when there are things about yourself you don't like?". And I thought and responded with something pretty similar to this... "There will always be things about yourself you won't like, but loving is not liking, loving is understanding exactly why you are the way you are. Because no one will ever understand or know your story better than yourself."
I think that's where this story ends for now. I realized very early on that I didn't want to feel alone. So I learned to keep myself company. Because everyone else can leave you, but yourself will always be with you as long as you choose to have yourself. And you will always be loved as long as you always choose to love yourself. I realized I was stuck with myself, so I could either have a good relationship with myself or a bad realtionship with myself.
Self Love not something I found, it's something I chose. Something I choose. And I have to make that choice every day. Whether I'm happy with myself of not. But I take a deep breath, take all the time I need, and then I choose to trust, choose to understand, and choose to communicate. I choose self love. And I always will.
I love ya, kid.
I love ya too.
Take care. ~Enjoy